Repost

This post was originally written in October 2010. It was the beginning of the relationship that was ended recently. I loved reading it again. Gave me the perspective of my own sight, my own way of loving. Remembering myself in that time helped me to reconnect with and love, some parts of myself I tried to dismiss as broken or lost forever.

I know I am a fool.

Went to the bookshelf, zoned in on a book, opened to a page. A kind of tarot, seems childish, pure. Kinda pure. Maybe there was a wee bit of educated soulful guessing. After all, it is the words of Jeanette. Right? Wonderin' what will I make of what's there on this published Ouija board.

"Walk with me, hand in hand through the neon and styrofoam. Walk the razor blades and the broken hearts. Walk the fortune and the fortune hunted. Walk the chop suey bars and the tract of stars.

I know I am a fool, hoping dirt and glory are both a kind of luminous paint; the humiliation and exaltations that light us up. I see like a bug, everything too large, the pressure of infinity hammering at my head. But how else to live, vertical that I am, pressed down and pressing up simultaneously? I cannot assume you will understand me. It is just as likely that as I invent what I want to say, you will invent what you want to hear. Some story we must have. Stray words on crumpled paper. A weak signal into the outer space of each other.

The probability of separate worlds meeting is very small. The lure of it is immense. We send starships. We fall in love."

Jeannette Winterson, Gut Symmetries